Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey
Every so often, a film comes along that redefines the genre.
This film is not that.
[Neither was Cabin in the Woods, despite what they’d have you believe.]
Yes, the movie that threatened to “Ruin your childhood” has been released. The film that was ranked 2nd in IMDb’s list of Most Anticipated Movies of 2023 - behind Barbie - has screened in cinemas in Mexico, and now Europe ... and it is ….
Terrible.
Absolutely god-awful. Probably the biggest let-down in the history of film? Certainly on a hype-to-disappointment ratio.
This piece had gradually produced hype - like a super-massive star sucking in everything around it and about to go supernova - from around May last year, dividing people into two extreme camps: “I can’t wait to see this!” or “I hate you, this is going to ruin my childhood!” (The team even received death threats … sadly none of them put into action.)
I should probably now point out that I’ve worked with director Rhys and producer Scott. And while I have nothing much against Rhys, I dislike Scott with a throbbing passion, and would not be upset if he was involved in a horrific car crash involving a lorry carrying panes of glass, and another transporting scorpions.
I worked with them on Croc! [aka Crocodile Vengeance], and fair to say it could’ve gone better. So any criticism of Winnie one must take with a pinch of salt, but I will try to give you an unbiased view.
So let’s talk FACTS.
There’s been much speculation around the budget of the film - varying wildly from £15k to $1M. I know for a fact that generally all their films thus far have been made for around £5,000 (~$6,000). Yes, a minuscule amount. And usually filmed in just 6 days.
Scott Jeffreys - via his 3 production companies - has a deal with ITN [and other distributors] where the latter buy the movies for about $15-20k, while Scott and any other producers take a chunk off the top. The crew get paid a small amount up front, and the actors (apparently) work on a deferred basis, embracing the fact that Scott plasters their images all over Socials.
But I also know that Winnie had at least 2 reshoots - one of which involved setting fire to a LandRover Defender (a newer model, not the classic one). Therefore in total I think their actual shooting budget was no more than £15,000.
“Like a Bear Out of Hell…”
That’s a tiny figure. Paranormal Activity was made for about that,and went on to be the highest percentage-grossing film of all time. And while that was pretty watchable, this movie … wasn’t.
It’s just a fucking mess. An absolute diarrhoetic-dog-shitting-on-the-white-rug, blind-person-stepping-into-the-road, train-wreck of a film.
The film starts with an animated introduction about Christopher Robin’s old woodland friends ‘going rogue’ … and that’s okay (although it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense), and the choice of Narrator is spot-on. Right after that, CR is walking through some woods with his fiancée, Mary, saying how much he wants to introduce her to Winnie et al.
And here’s the first issue: If CR was so fond of his animal buddies, why did he not visit them more often? Even if he was enjoying his time at ‘college’, why did he abandon them for 5 years? It’s understandable a young boy would eventually grow out of his ‘imaginary’ friends and forget about them, but I simply don’t believe that CR would be showing his future wife around the woods, in search of Winnie and the gang, if he’d neglected them for half a decade.
The first few minutes after the animation are a strong warning of what’s to come:
The initial lines of dialogue don’t even make sense. (“Told you it wouldn’t take that long”, he says on arriving in the woods, but according to her it’s been 2 hours.) They traipse around the forest looking for his animal chums, and find a treehouse. Hearing some bestial growls (maybe; it’s not even clear) they ‘hide’ somewhere, although that’s not clear either, because the image is so dark, and the sound mix so poor, that it’s hard to make out anything. NO tension, no near-misses, no peeking out through a hole in the cupboard … None whatsoever.
Night falls and they sneak out from wherever the hell they were hiding, and suddenly Piglet attacks Mary, strangling her with a thick chain. It’s hard to make out anything, CR doesn’t do a whole lot to help his fiancée, and Piglet vanishes as quickly as he appeared.
Pooh then turns up - both monsters now already fully revealed - and Christopher mumbles about how they “Used to be friends“ and “He never would’ve left if he’d known”. What, he’d pack in University because his animal buddies were hungry and lonely? Good luck explaining that to the parents. Pooh & Piglet close on him, the screen goes black (black-er), and cut to an animation of CR being dragged by his feet into (presumably) their lair.
I have a couple of theories on this:
(1) The creators thought it was a cool stylistic choice, à la Kill Bill;
(2) The location limitations meant they couldn’t really show the creatures’ den;
(3) Rhys originally killed off CR here, but then they were told to keep him, and reinstated him in a few later scenes when they did reshoots.
I think most likely (2), but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was (3).
Now, this is where the film goes from bad to shit-awful.
5 young ladies turn up at a house (presumably somewhere on the edge of the woods), to try take Maria’s mind off the fact that she has a stalker. A big old house in the forest wouldn’t be my first choice of getaway if I were Maria - maybe Center Parcs would’ve been safer (albeit pricier). Anyway, I only remember Maria’s name becuase it’s uncannily close to ‘Mary’, and also the actor’s real name. And from here, it’s a bit of a blank void. I don’t just mean in my memory, but in the movie itself. The girls are so unexciting and unlikeable that I didn’t give a shit about them. I think this isn’t helped by the fact that they all look the same. All except for ‘Lara’ - played by a plastic OnlyFans creator who looks like some kind of Michael Jackson lovechild, and with the acting ability you’d expect from that. She poses in her pink-lit room, doing really bad Air Guitar (for some reason), then goes and soaks in the hot-tub … alone. While the others chat inanely in the living room, doling out boring exposition. I’m fairly sure if it’s a ‘Getaway With The Girl's’ then they’d all be in the jacuzzi together, drowning in prosecco.
After that, it’s just a procession of badly-lit gory deaths, with limited levels of gore. No logic, no narrative, and no real ending. The finale in particular, it appears Rhys & Scott were so thrilled to have been given extra funding to set fire to a LandRover, they seemed to focus mostly on that. Even giving the vehicle a Truffaut-esque closing shot ...
What’s so desperately sad about this disastrous affair is that this was the filmmakers’ opportunity to stamp their names on the cinematic world. You have to give it to them - the concept is great. But once news got out and it went viral, they should’ve had a serious discussion about what to do. I think they should’ve used that buzz to bring in some more money - maybe even 6 figures - and redo the whole thing from scratch. Starting with the screenplay.
Rhys is not a writer. (Some might say he’s not even a director.) He got into directing working on things like Croc! as VFX supervisor, seemingly progressing into role of full director. Scott occasionally writes their films, but generally they hire writers to do that part for them. But those poor writers (myself included) generally have a month to churn out a draft, and then witness their work barely being done justice by budget limitations and distributor requirements.
Rhys and Scott aren’t filmmakers. They’re makers of films.
One might’ve thought that they’d would have the foresight to believe that Winnie could be bigger than anything they’ve done, and a chance to make a name for themselves. There was SO much potential here, and sadly that was wasted. [Same could be said for The Legend of Jack and Jill and a bunch of their other work.] Hiring a half decent writer and actually spending a bit of time on the story would’ve paid dividends.
For a start, Christopher Robin should’ve been the main protagonist, I don’t think there’s any question there. A real chance here to have a rather wimpy, slightly ‘on the spectrum’ guy play the hero. [For what it’s worth, I think Nikolai Leon’s Christopher was well cast and well played.] Instead of random ladies, there could’ve been a few university friends come round - along with Mary - and gradually discover the story of what happened to Pooh, Piglet and the rest, all building to a satisfying climax. Rather than take itself too seriously - which I really don’t think you can do when the antagonists are clearly chubby men in rubber masks - this could’ve been laugh-inducing campy fun, with lots of puns and bear gags. Some Pooh-related deaths, e.g. drowning face-down in honey, another being killed in a Heffalump trap … and maybe involve a Woozle too?
But no.
It’s like Rhys and Scott didn’t even look at that famous map of 100 Aker Wood.
What they did successfully manage to do was to disappoint a large number of horror fans who’d been salivating and baying for Blood and Honey, but instead got rancid meat and spoiled milk.
I wonder if they’ll make more of an effort with the sequel. That said, on the back of so much negative reaction, maybe that won’t even get green-lit.